The past.

So here I am sitting here thinking of so many great people in my past life. There are a few people I am really missing right now. I would give so much to just talk to them for a little while and have them be a part of my life again even if only for a moment.

Especially Cody, he was my perfect compliment. We had so much in common and liked almost all the same things. There is so much about him that I miss right now. So much it hurts. And now he's getting married and won't even speak to me. It hurts I won't lie. He was my best friend for a while there and got me through some pretty rough times. I wish more than anything I hadn't screwed that up.

Amos too. Similar situation. Me and my stupid pride coming between what I really wanted and what I would admit. I could really kick my own ass for being so prideful and stupid, causing me to lose two of the best friends I've ever known.

Guys I wish upon wish that I could have you in my life again. I miss you very much and I'm sorry for pushing you out of my life. You have no idea how sorry I am for that.

Some things never change...

You know it's funny, sometimes you need reminding of where you stand in a situation, but as soon as you are back in it. You realize, "I've done this before and nothing has changed." Time and distance away from the situation makes you forget what was wrong with it. But you test the waters again anyways hoping that it will be different and you realize it's exactly the same as it was the last time you stuck your toe in for a test.

Sometimes I truly think I am retarded. I mean who else would keep running their head into the same wall in the same place and not realize it hurts and you should probably stop doing it ?

This has happened in so many ways to me lately. Friendships, relationships, work, etc... The one thing that I have done differently is school and I'm loving it ! Everything else... same dissapointments over and over again.

But what I realize too... If I have changed my outlook on a given scenario or I'm not willing to change myself then why should I believe that those situations are gonna change ? You just can't fit a square piece into a round hole, it just doesn't work. You're either gonna have to change the shape of one or the other or get a different piece.

This is a very hard lesson for me to learn and apparently I'm pretty slow at learning it. Hopefully I will sort it all out soon as I'm tired of running my head against this damn wall.

Yay me !

Had my FIRST drafting class tonight ! It is AWESOME !! My teacher is so cool and laid back. I'm the only girl in my class which is fine by me. And the best part !??! I get credit for drawing and creating shit I would normally sit around and do for fun anyway ! How cool is that ? I get to design three or four houses, and all kinds of other cool shit. THEN when I pick my favorite one, I get to put it in the machine and it will build me a plastic replica of my house !! Friggin sweet !

Oh and in case you didn't get it from the above... I LOVE MY NEW CLASS !!

Thank you lord for finally leading me in a direction I'm excited about. Thanks for everything actually !

Woot !

Just got approved for Financial Aid and got a new job !! Yay me !! I can finally afford to go to school full time !!! Whoo hoo !!

I am so totally stoked !!

I just got accepted into the Architectural and Engineering CAD Design program at school !!! I should have my certification in one year, my associates in 2 and my bachelors in 4 !!! Woot for me !!

Is it really July already ?

Wow I can't believe it's been 6 months since I've posted on here. Man time flies when you are busy.

So let's start with what's new. I quit my job last week because they changed my hours so that I can't go to school and are still dragging their feet on my promotion. So now I am out looking for something else. I am trying to buy a house which I am pretty excited about. If I can't find anything for work though I am probably going to rejoin the navy, which wouldn't be so bad seeing as I love men in uniform ! LOL I know I know but I can't help it...

Coy still HATES me with a passion. He claims to have a new girlfriend who is "so much better than I ever was" but somehow I honestly don't believe him. He's also told me a lot of other stuff he thinks is going to hurt me, but fortunately for me I realized a while back that he is only trying to get to me. He doesn't really mean any of it, he just needs to stay angry and hateful so that he keeps from accepting he fucked up AGAIN.

No one boyfriend at the moment... I have a couple guys trying but I just am not interested. I have lost pretty much all faith in men and really just don't want anything to with them at this point. I would probably just turn gay except I can't stand women either. Not to mention I kinda have a thing for men. But anyways you get the point.

So I have really not been myself since the divorce. I think I have just given up to the point that I just flat out don't care. I went out dancing a couple weeks ago with some friends. I met a guy there (a friend of a friend). Anyways long story short the guy was the hottest man I have ever spoken to in my life !! And up there in the top 10% ever seen, INCLUDING Vin Diesel, Channing Tatum, and Wentworth Miller. I ended up making out with the guy in the bathroom of a burger joint. With him BEGGING me for more ! I can't even believe I could pull that quality of a man. But DAMN !! Turns out the guy was a soldier just got back from Iraq ( I swear I can pick em out of a lineup, and not on purpose !) and he's married ! Go figure, just my luck right ? Why does this always happen to me ? Anyways, he and his wife have now split up (not because of me, but for other reasons) but he hasn't called me or whatever, so I guess it's probably better that way seeing as I've sworn off soldiers. But my goodness they just look so damn hot in that uniform !! What's a girl to do ?

So what else.... my dog passed away a couple months ago. She was 12. I've made a bunch of new friends but I guess I wouldn't really call them friends as most of them really are just trying to get in my pants.

I started going to a new church which I really like. Really laid back. The preacher wears tennis shoes and shorts and they have a pretty cool band too. Lots of events to go to as well.

I can't really think of anything else, so I will close now.

Just want to give a shout out to my boys in the desert though, you are in my thoughts and prayers. Victor, Mike, Dave, oh and my girl Jen too. Stay safe out there guys ! I love you all.

Peace,
Sam

Happy New Year

In the past year I have come to learn alot about people including myself. I have learned that no matter how much good I WANT to see in people there is still always some bad. No one is perfect and I hold people at too high of standards, which in the long run always comes back to bite me in the ass. I assume that all people are decent and kind and this however is just not true. In fact it is rare to find those qualities in a person and it usually comes from the ones you least expect it.

I have also learned why people become bitter. Through life experiences that bring you sadness and hurt, it also brings a defense mechanism. It forces people to put up walls between their heart and their head. It makes people feel hopeless and helps them to lose sight of what's good in life.

Also, I have been doing a study to see how much more of something I find when I am looking for it. For instance, if you look for someone wearing green, you will most likely see ten times more grean clothing that you would any other day. This works for good too. I have decided I am going to start noticing good. I am going to make a mental note every time someone opens a door for me, smiles at me, compliments me, or does something nice for someone else.

I have been spending alot of time being blind to the bad in people until recently, and it is amazing how much bad i find in myself now. I used to be one of those happy go lucky never get ya down types of people. I never had drama in my life and when someone let me down I would release them from their role in my life without a hesitation. If a boyfriend cheated on me or did something messed up I would just say "Nice knowin Ya, it was fun while it lasted, see ya around" and I would go about my merry way. When a friend stabbed me in the back I would do the same.

Lately I have lost so much of myself and confidence in myself I cling to everyone in my life including those who do me wrong. The funny thing about this is that I am better than that. I am stronger than I give myself credit for and I do not need those types of "friends", they only drag me down into the pit with them.

I can pinpoint to the day when this bad habit started for me, the first time I had ever been dumped. I had never had anyone release me before and it was a shocking feeling. I was 19 and had hit a really rough patch of time, which wasn't uncommon for me. I have always had this weird thing where my bad luck would all hit me at once. Well all in one month I was told I had cancer, had to move out of my apartment because my roommate had drug dealers comin by, lost my job, and then got dumped for the first time ever in my life. From that point on I became totally insecure and doubtful of myself. I questioned why someone wouldn't want me, the actuality of it is it wasn't about me, it was about him and what he was dealing with in his life at that point. I never accepted that though, in my head it was always that I wasn't good enough.

I have gone very wrong in keeping that defeat with me. From that point on I went into a marriage because he made me feel better about myself. I settled because he was even more insecure than me and I would never let him down because he thought so little of himself that I got placed on a pedastool and by comparison was secure. Well over time even that became a safety net for me, I couldn't do any better if I left him because there is so much wrong with me, but in actuality the only thing that was wrong with me is my low self esteem.

Supposedly I am "picky", but I'm not, I have low self esteem and I feel like anyone that is good looking and sweet and kind would end up finding someone "better" than me. Well what I have learned is this is the case even with those who are not good looking, not sweet, and not kind. The trick is confidence, if I view myself as subpar so will whoever is looking at me. My ex husband saw it in my eyes and used it against me. Now this last guy has done the same thing, and he was not good looking, was not good in bed, was not well off, in fact the only thing he really had going for him was his gentle heart which also turned out to be not so gentle and more bruised and fucked up than mine. Well he found someone "better" than me too.

So this proves my hypothesis, if these people who have nothing going for them can find "better", so can I. I just have to believe in myself and realize I am more than I give myself credit for. I have a lot going for me. I am strong, I am pretty, I have a caring heart and love people unconditionally without a reason to, I am a motivator, I lift people up and make them feel good about themselves, I am bettering myself all the time, I am growing into a beautiful woman with knowledge, wisdom, and strength. I will overcome all of my hurdles and obstacles and I will find what is truly meant for me in this world. I do not need sand bags holding me down, I do not need negative energy, I do not need someone else to make me who I am. I am me and I am exactly who I am supposed to be. God made me exactly how he wants me and if I am who he wants me to be then nothing else truly matters.

I realize however that I have forgotten about God recently which is probably why I lost faith in myself along with him. I should not even speak of him for the time being as I am not worthy to speak his name with a dirty mouth.

So my new year's resolutions;

- Pray often.
- Get back to God.
- Build myself up through God and Knowledge.
- Let go of my past failures, learn from them and use them to do better.
- Release negative persons from my surroundings, but help them up when they fall.
- Release my negative self from my life and pick myself up when I fall.
- Live up to my own standards.
- Stop making excuses.
- Take responsibility for myself and my situations.
- Rebuild confidence and self esteem.
- Start 2007 with renewed faith and strength.
- Be a "better" person.