The past.

So here I am sitting here thinking of so many great people in my past life. There are a few people I am really missing right now. I would give so much to just talk to them for a little while and have them be a part of my life again even if only for a moment.

Especially Cody, he was my perfect compliment. We had so much in common and liked almost all the same things. There is so much about him that I miss right now. So much it hurts. And now he's getting married and won't even speak to me. It hurts I won't lie. He was my best friend for a while there and got me through some pretty rough times. I wish more than anything I hadn't screwed that up.

Amos too. Similar situation. Me and my stupid pride coming between what I really wanted and what I would admit. I could really kick my own ass for being so prideful and stupid, causing me to lose two of the best friends I've ever known.

Guys I wish upon wish that I could have you in my life again. I miss you very much and I'm sorry for pushing you out of my life. You have no idea how sorry I am for that.

Some things never change...

You know it's funny, sometimes you need reminding of where you stand in a situation, but as soon as you are back in it. You realize, "I've done this before and nothing has changed." Time and distance away from the situation makes you forget what was wrong with it. But you test the waters again anyways hoping that it will be different and you realize it's exactly the same as it was the last time you stuck your toe in for a test.

Sometimes I truly think I am retarded. I mean who else would keep running their head into the same wall in the same place and not realize it hurts and you should probably stop doing it ?

This has happened in so many ways to me lately. Friendships, relationships, work, etc... The one thing that I have done differently is school and I'm loving it ! Everything else... same dissapointments over and over again.

But what I realize too... If I have changed my outlook on a given scenario or I'm not willing to change myself then why should I believe that those situations are gonna change ? You just can't fit a square piece into a round hole, it just doesn't work. You're either gonna have to change the shape of one or the other or get a different piece.

This is a very hard lesson for me to learn and apparently I'm pretty slow at learning it. Hopefully I will sort it all out soon as I'm tired of running my head against this damn wall.