Happy New Year

In the past year I have come to learn alot about people including myself. I have learned that no matter how much good I WANT to see in people there is still always some bad. No one is perfect and I hold people at too high of standards, which in the long run always comes back to bite me in the ass. I assume that all people are decent and kind and this however is just not true. In fact it is rare to find those qualities in a person and it usually comes from the ones you least expect it.

I have also learned why people become bitter. Through life experiences that bring you sadness and hurt, it also brings a defense mechanism. It forces people to put up walls between their heart and their head. It makes people feel hopeless and helps them to lose sight of what's good in life.

Also, I have been doing a study to see how much more of something I find when I am looking for it. For instance, if you look for someone wearing green, you will most likely see ten times more grean clothing that you would any other day. This works for good too. I have decided I am going to start noticing good. I am going to make a mental note every time someone opens a door for me, smiles at me, compliments me, or does something nice for someone else.

I have been spending alot of time being blind to the bad in people until recently, and it is amazing how much bad i find in myself now. I used to be one of those happy go lucky never get ya down types of people. I never had drama in my life and when someone let me down I would release them from their role in my life without a hesitation. If a boyfriend cheated on me or did something messed up I would just say "Nice knowin Ya, it was fun while it lasted, see ya around" and I would go about my merry way. When a friend stabbed me in the back I would do the same.

Lately I have lost so much of myself and confidence in myself I cling to everyone in my life including those who do me wrong. The funny thing about this is that I am better than that. I am stronger than I give myself credit for and I do not need those types of "friends", they only drag me down into the pit with them.

I can pinpoint to the day when this bad habit started for me, the first time I had ever been dumped. I had never had anyone release me before and it was a shocking feeling. I was 19 and had hit a really rough patch of time, which wasn't uncommon for me. I have always had this weird thing where my bad luck would all hit me at once. Well all in one month I was told I had cancer, had to move out of my apartment because my roommate had drug dealers comin by, lost my job, and then got dumped for the first time ever in my life. From that point on I became totally insecure and doubtful of myself. I questioned why someone wouldn't want me, the actuality of it is it wasn't about me, it was about him and what he was dealing with in his life at that point. I never accepted that though, in my head it was always that I wasn't good enough.

I have gone very wrong in keeping that defeat with me. From that point on I went into a marriage because he made me feel better about myself. I settled because he was even more insecure than me and I would never let him down because he thought so little of himself that I got placed on a pedastool and by comparison was secure. Well over time even that became a safety net for me, I couldn't do any better if I left him because there is so much wrong with me, but in actuality the only thing that was wrong with me is my low self esteem.

Supposedly I am "picky", but I'm not, I have low self esteem and I feel like anyone that is good looking and sweet and kind would end up finding someone "better" than me. Well what I have learned is this is the case even with those who are not good looking, not sweet, and not kind. The trick is confidence, if I view myself as subpar so will whoever is looking at me. My ex husband saw it in my eyes and used it against me. Now this last guy has done the same thing, and he was not good looking, was not good in bed, was not well off, in fact the only thing he really had going for him was his gentle heart which also turned out to be not so gentle and more bruised and fucked up than mine. Well he found someone "better" than me too.

So this proves my hypothesis, if these people who have nothing going for them can find "better", so can I. I just have to believe in myself and realize I am more than I give myself credit for. I have a lot going for me. I am strong, I am pretty, I have a caring heart and love people unconditionally without a reason to, I am a motivator, I lift people up and make them feel good about themselves, I am bettering myself all the time, I am growing into a beautiful woman with knowledge, wisdom, and strength. I will overcome all of my hurdles and obstacles and I will find what is truly meant for me in this world. I do not need sand bags holding me down, I do not need negative energy, I do not need someone else to make me who I am. I am me and I am exactly who I am supposed to be. God made me exactly how he wants me and if I am who he wants me to be then nothing else truly matters.

I realize however that I have forgotten about God recently which is probably why I lost faith in myself along with him. I should not even speak of him for the time being as I am not worthy to speak his name with a dirty mouth.

So my new year's resolutions;

- Pray often.
- Get back to God.
- Build myself up through God and Knowledge.
- Let go of my past failures, learn from them and use them to do better.
- Release negative persons from my surroundings, but help them up when they fall.
- Release my negative self from my life and pick myself up when I fall.
- Live up to my own standards.
- Stop making excuses.
- Take responsibility for myself and my situations.
- Rebuild confidence and self esteem.
- Start 2007 with renewed faith and strength.
- Be a "better" person.